MULESHOE, TX – In a stunning pre-dawn raid, a strike team composed of EPA and FDA agents arrested Calvin Johns, editor of the Babylon Bee. He was charged with butchering sacred cows without a license and was taken into custody. A federal judge refused to set bail, indicating Johns had not displayed the slightest remorse.
“Johns has been butchering sacred cows for several years,” the lead agent for the FDA claimed. “He’s left carcasses all over the place. It’s a health risk. When you witness the heartbreak and disillusionment experienced by the poor owners of those sacred cows, it’s a wonder that Justice does not charge him with hate crimes.”
Millennials Michael Servetus and his wife Arminy were standing over their deceased bovine, weeping, but agreed to comment on the arrest. “It’s about time someone arrested that guy. He’s so cruel! We loved our sacred cow. We worshiped our sacred cow,” Servetus said, dabbing at his eyes with a tissue. Mrs. Servetus interrupted, “No, not worshiped, Michael. Venerated. We venerated our cow. There is a difference.”
“Oh, right. We venerated Bossie.” The couple refused further comment and got into their vehicle, intending to shop for another sacred cow.
The EPA agent at the scene was disgusted. “This is another Love Canal. There’s doctrine rotting all over the place. The smell is awful. At the very least, Johns could have cleaned up his mess. Instead, he just left the guts of sacred cows right where they lay, for all to see. It’s ugly, you know?”
PETA was reportedly filing an amicus brief with the court, asking the prosecutor to press for the death penalty. “Sacred cows have just as much right to life as any human,” the spokeswoman said. “Johns is setting a terrible precedent here. Not only is there the problem of all these poor butchered cows, but we are also concerned that people could start abandoning their cows. Those poor cows could starve to death without proper attention. Johns is clearly bovinophobic. The planet would be better off without him.”
Unnamed sources claimed that Johns was pressing for a plea bargain, in which he would agree to stop slaughtering cows so long as he could gore oxen. Prosecutors are refusing to comment.