Declaration of War


I am declaring war, open warfare. And since I am not a signatory to the Geneva Convention, I’m gonna ignore its stipulations. I’m not going to worry about Just War Theory either. My cause is just and my enemies are gonna die. No mercy, no quarter, no ceasefire, and no armistice. Those boys are goin’ down.

Squirrels. I’m referring to squirrels. They’ve really done it now. Went and chewed up my Christmas lights. Ain’t no forgiveness for such a crime. It’s a capital offense.

Author Photo

Had it with those low-down, lop-eared, furry-tailed, miniature-beaver-toothed, overgrown rat-like creatures. (Or would that be undergrown? Not sure.)

Anyway, I am convinced they are members of the rat family. Cousins, probably. That makes them a public health, public safety, and env-vi-ro-mental hazard in my book. When I’m done with ‘em, you can add “endangered species” to their pedigree.

I reckon I can overlook the theft of my birdseed, the holes in the yard, and the pitter-patter of their tiny furry feet on the roof. I can find it in my cold heart to forgive the digging up and virtual ruination of my flowers and my garden. (No, actually, don’t think I can forgive that part.)

But what has escalated the conflict from a cold war to a hot one is the deeee-struction of my Christmas lights. Especially the ones I just bought (at great expense, I might add). That, my friends, is the unforgivable sin. I figured those expensive, commercial-grade-decorator lights were squirrel-proof. Nope.

So, hostilities are about to commence. But this is gonna have to be a covert war. I have a small problem, you see—it’s called “city limits.” Living in the city limits limits my choice of weaponry. Flame-throwers are out. Bazookas—out. Gatling gun, out. My twelve-gauge shotgun—illegal to discharge within the city limits. And, nuts, I just learned that even my BB gun is out, too. Rats.

Maybe I can shoot poison-soaked nerf balls at them?

I think electrocution is still legal. Death by drowning would probably work—if I could just catch the little rascals. If only geese would eat squirrels, and then choke to death on their tails, that would solve my problem and the City Park problem in one fell swoop!

<Sigh> I was just about to declare defeat before the first shot was fired. Honest, Greenville PD, I have not fired any weapon utilizing gunpowder in the city limits. I’m taking the Fifth regarding the BB gun.

As I was saying before adding the legal disclaimer above, I was just about to declare defeat when a new weapon arrived on the scene…

Red-shouldered Hawk, Author Photo

Oh, joy! Have at it, pretty boy, it’s open season on squirrels! Have I got a target-rich environment for you!

[Editors note: Unfortunately, no squirrels have been harmed as of yet.]